ostracization

my family tends to run in two social circles: the homeschoolers, and everyone else. within our group of homeschool friends and acquaintances, there are also two circles:the ultra conservatives, and everyone else. the ultra conservatives are mostly my parents' friends. I am friends with some of them, but really only a few.

it's not that I don't like them. it's that they don't like me.

let me define ultra conservative: the people who wear potato sacks, because to show that you have any sort of feminine figure is a deadly sin. yes, I am friends with some of them. because some of them are great people, and I have nothing against wearing potato sacks. but some of them not only dress according to their convictions: they also try to apply their convictions to me. in their eyes, I practically have a scarlet 'A' emblazoned on my chest. I wear pants, which show to the world that my legs are separate identities, and not a single blob of flesh. and worse, I wear shorts, showing to the world that I have knees. to pile on iniquity, I do not try to hide my figure. I do not thrust it out, evident for all to see, but I take no great pains to disguise it. when I come to a gathering where they are present, I have actually seen them turn their boys away.

yes, that hurts.

on the 4th of july, our family went to one of these gatherings at a friend's house. the young people played outside for a while after the meal, and both girls and guys had a good time. it started to rain. some time later, I came inside to change into a dry shirt. just within the door, there was a lady whom I have always thought to be rather quiet, mouse-like. when I came in, her eyes lit up with something unpleasant, and she gave me a terrible look. it was almost hateful.

you sinner, you were outside, in the rain, playing in front of the boys like a loose woman.

my attire was perfectly decent; it did not cling at all. if it had been immodest, I would have come inside long before. but it was modest, and I had no qualms about it. neither had anyone else outside. her look caught me totally off guard.

this weekend, I've been helping my aunt get her house ready for the reception after her daughter's wedding. yesterday, I was there cleaning, and so was this lady. when she first came, she ignored me completely. she refused to look at me.

yes, that hurt.

I was sweet. I was polite. I was respectful. mid-morning, she had to come and ask me for something. I gave it to her with a cheerful smile. by the time she left that afternoon, she was looking me in the eyes, speaking directly to me, even smiling. I guess I had redeemed myself in her eyes.

but it hurts that I should have to redeem myself at all.

I'm no temptress. it's not like I walk up to their boys--hey, handsome--start feeling them up. I treat the guys there like they're humans, which is more than they do for me. I don't flirt, but neither do I snub them. I don't make them prove themselves to me before I pay any attention to them. until I make a flying leap to catch a frisbee, knocking aside a much taller guy in the process, or catch a soccer ball with my head, and show that, despite my gender, I am actually a competent human, many of them manage to avoid acknowledging my existence. at least I have found the happy medium.

the parents don't seem to view it that way, though. to them, it seems I have gone over the end of the 'temptress' diving board, and am a sinner sunk deep into my lifestyle. I'm not even a poor sinner for them to evangelize, and gain points with God. I'm a sinner, and heaven-forbid they get contaminated by getting too close.

oh, by the way, I'm a Christian too, people.

I'm not going to change who I am for them. sure I have problems, but not like that.

I'm just tired of being The Bad Girl.